The only place where I feel close to her. I was put in the same position and told I had to be friends with her, be nice, accept here. Do you want to? Does your mother want and/or need you to move in? Dont do it only for appeasing the feeling of familial obligations. You may both He has made it perfectly clear (he has has actually told us) that if he has to choose between her and us, he will choose her every time and if we cannot include her in everything that we do, then he will not be in our lives. We all are afraid to be alone, we are human beings, social by nature. I realize that I still am not ready to accept this & quite honestly dont think I ever will because I dont have to accept her into my life & I really dont want to. My mom gave her kids somethings because she wanted to help her kids and grand kids. It is almost like two deaths in one. time. The latest blow has come from a slew of articles that Ive come across, which (1) advise divorced/widowed parents to prioritize the new S.O. Yet he would not want me to stop living, and he would not want for me to be unhappy. One room for 3 people, one of which being a baby is just not enough. Dad died, mom moved in. - AgingCare.com Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. That being said, the tide turned. The reality that my Widower Boyfriend (WBF) was deeply involved with someone (me) other than their mother was a shock for the AC. For him, its not good enough that we have a nice relationship with her he wants us to be one big, happy, loving family. There is another of them tastefully making outI told him, once again, that this WAS AWKWARD. Ellen never cooks and we are never invited over to eat. He referred to her as my stepmother the other day, and her kids as my step siblings. She lived a distance away but was staying at the house 10 weeks after Mum died; I was 13. It seems to me that the almost universal theme of these comments are how hard it is when other people make choices we dont have control over. Back in July my Dad and his girlfriend got married and moved in together. Alex Murdaugh, the victims'husband and father, was just found guilty of their Life is very short and fleeting so take a deep breath and shine your moms light for her. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Which my mom and her friend did say he was not there trying to replace my dad. So sent him pictures etc. I have struggled with the news of this now fianc for about a month now. It was a snowy Thanksgiving morning. Unfortunately, I fear that the perpetrators are emotionally vulnerable themselves and often these new people move on them too quickly when they are not thinking straight. Im not talking about holidays or family parties, where of course inclusion is important. I am guessing the woman is younger. Im trying not to blow up over this but her actions have made me so angry and my father knows that. I dont think that is asking for much, but I am in a place now, where I think I am going to have to cut him out of my life. Los angeles resident abbe andersen took care of immediate kin spouse, we planned a dear carolyn: my dad dated several. They will barely speak to him, yet he continues to talk to them about her and asks them if they like her or tells them how much he wants them to like her. Her children came with the package he is trying to have a relationship with her & she is bringing her kids along. Like others have mentioned many times before in the comments, I too am glad that I am not alone in my feelings of anger, sadness, and guilt. First, its important not to view this new person as a replacement for your mother, because she is not now, nor will she ever be. Tell your father he can see you and the children when this relationship is repaired. Sonia- I hope you find this response. My father has no friends so thats why hes so desperate to be with her. Also, new caveat she is now on our family plan because its cheaper, for her, and bc she dropped her phone in a toilet on accident.. If we had to make a 100 mile round trip to save her a 2 mile detour hed want to save her the trouble. This disease took her away from me as a wife. It is even more of an insult if the child voices their concern and it is ignored because the parent cant claim that they didnt know how you were feeling. Every day I cant help but wish my mom were here. Until I realized that I still had my dad and I dont want to lose my dad if I still have a chance to have my father in my life. In most of these cases the person inflicting the additional trauma is the parent who is flushed with joy at having found someone new and is not open to the fact that his emptiness has been filled while his family is still grieving.It seems they cannot wait to force the person on their family and present ultimatums for non-compliance. It has been like this for 3-4 months. Things that I feel need to stay in the family. Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. The day that I had to meet my fathers new girlfriend. Hi, please somebody help me this is unlike anything Ive been able to find on the Internet. Im just not up to dealing with that yet. Definitely this. There is Hope. For (mostly) financial reasons, my brother and I are still living with my father while we attend college. It will be 6 months on April 24 since my dear mom left us. Ive tried ignoring it and being the bigger person always doing her dishes, then she starts moving in more on my house putting her mark everywhere and being home all day in my grandma house. Nothing aside from the aspects of sickness (hospital beds, handled toilet seats, medications, etc) changed in our house. Have you read the posts? I noticed that the hutch with glasses and mementoes (another place my dad never looked at) was emptied. Hi, please somebody help me this is unlike anything Ive been able to find on the Internet. I also know that turning on the 70s music playlist will make dinosaur tears run over my smiling cheeks, and that hearing the lyrics to MacArthur Park will always bring me to a place of griefbut it can also be a peaceful place of remembrance. However, and I really hate this, the house will go to Ellen if my Dad predeceases her. Your letter reminded me of something On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said Youre not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back? How kind to give my confidence such a boost! Would it make these adult children happier if their remaining parent curl up in a ball in the corner, wear black everyday and sit in the house the rest of their life? The picture he showed me showed a beautiful girl that looks about 19. I think two equally lonely pp found each other and are love drunk I wish I could say someone was sane, but in the end, I just hope my dad isnt being played. Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ. You spoke my thoughts exactly! I told myself that I could never forgive myself if something happened to my father too.It worked somewhat in that I tried as hard as I could. But I still feel the same way a lot of you do. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. I have read every single comments on this chat box. Oh honey, there's no such thing as grieving too much or too little. My dad was on CLOUD 9! Dear Susan Musselwhite, I hear you and I get it. The day she got rushed to the hospital was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry. Try to be upbeat when you are around them. I just miss how my family used to be and having someone I my life that doesnt judge me and loved me unconditionally. It sounds like this woman has him as my uncle would phrase it whipped. What these lonely old men dont seem to realize is that there is more to the situation than just their wants and needs. Now she is practically living at my parents house. Thanks dad lol omg. Because he had block them. This situation has eaten up so much of my life and energy that I would have loved to have avoided it. I think the best way to handle it is let Dad stay in his own home along with mom when he does Hospice. My husband reserved judgement when he first was told about her and believed she couldnt be so bad and that it was the timing that was an issue. I live too far away. she brushed it off bc due to the market she didnt think wed get a place we could afford..but then she received a letter in the mail a week or so later stating she was losing 600 a month due to my middle sister turning 18, she came storming into my room demanding my husband & I start paying what shed be losing monthly to her in rent. I have supported them all the way why cant they both respect my late mother my mom lets her wear my late mothers clothes sleeps here and at their condo it bothers me Im wrong to feel this way? As I said, they have a strange relationship. I couldn't help but feel like my world was quickly falling apart. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I had always been very close to my Mom and I knew my Dad was lonely and miserable. It seems like people only understand this sort of thing if theyve experienced it themselves. Within 2 months before my grandfather passed away. She has no children, she is an only child, and she does not really care about anything but herself, hence the term Marsha, Marsha, Marsha (The Brady bunch in 70s) .My Dad forgot my Brothers and my birthday, which is only and few days apart. I LOST IT. It doesn't matter who your people are, just make sure you have them and you let them in. The legal process in California gave the relative living in the house 60 days to move. I dont feel I owe her a Mothers Day card as she is not my mother and I could care less about her and my Dads wedding anniversary. Her words to me: your Dad is with me and my family now, your gonna lose your Dad, hes going to pick me over you and at my daughters wedding Im dancing with your Dad, you cant. Dad and I always had a great relationship, lunch, golf, fishing, talks on the phone. I told him the only person we would love that way is our mother. He wanted companionship. I get that, and its not that I expected him to never get married again or have a relationship with another woman, but it just seemed to happen so quickly for him. The D in particular had a very difficult time handling it. Tonight, us kids and spouses had a dinner to honor the passing of my mother. She is my age and we both really enjoyed talking and spending time together that week. My late mother bulit all her wealth for our family to enjoy not for my mom to give as charity to her current partner its so disrespectful, My mom passed away and told everyone she wanted to leave certain stuff to her grand kids but my greedy father sold it all did not tell his kids what should I do. Its been a little over 4 years since my mothers death. Honestly, Im at a loss. He so does not need this drama, but I dont know what to do at this point. She asked me and my fianc if we would come stay and help her out. There is a 4 year age difference between them as we lost 2 babies due to miscarriage. Know that even if they fumble over the right words to say, or text you a meme when you were hoping for sincerity in that moment, that they love you, and are trying. People grieve in different ways, but we all experience the pain, the hurt, the images that will haunt us probably for the rest of our lives,(it will get a little better) the isolation, the depression, loss of direction, the anger, and the acceptance of what happened and the hope that things will be better in the future. She isnt bad looking, but still She came to a fundraiser at the ELEMENTARY school that I work at wearing said mini dress and hopped out of my dads raised pickup truck.. have some decency please! When my mother died my sister moved in to her house and is living there and wants to buy the rest of the siblings their share of the house. She would repeat herself, tell weird stories, slur her speach. The lack of consideration for our feelings is slowly breaking up our relationship with her. dont attend any family functions until the rest of the family has had time to grieve and cope with their loss. A big man he was 64 and he was like a big teddy bear. And its obviously not uncommon, especially for an older widow, to remarry quickly. Any suggestions? There was a huge blow out after my wedding because my dad disrespected my wishes to not have his wife as part of my procession. People that immediately jump into a relationship and force it on their families are wrong in doing so. When my own father passed away in July 2018, after a seven year battle with multiple myeloma, a cancer of plasma cells, it shifted my notion of grief. He travels for his job and since I am going to school full time now, I have been house sitting for him while he is gone. You get to live your life. My mom whom was my teammate died suddenly it was most horrible experience of life, Im devastated. Holding hands, sitting close together and kissing. My daughter said to me yesterday when I was offering to explain something about my father Id rather not know because the situation either makes you angry or sad. Thanks so much for thoughts that I can easily transfer to my classes. I was so furious and from the moment Ive met her I have completely resented her and my dad. She said she was nice but why is she here. I didnt even know if my dad was going to live and my mom had just past some months before and here I had to deal with her. Hes always been eccentric. I am still having a hard time coping with her death. Maybe over time our feelings will change. What people in your situtation need to realize it is not all about you, there are children, grandchildren, in-laws. Just make sure you give yourself the headspace to actually do it. I thought my feelings of anger and hurt were unfounded. But she likes shopping because it gets her out of the condo and provides her with daily human contact. Time passed, and my sister and I asked when the party would be so we could plan accordingly. Dealing with my loss and almost like dealing with the loss of my father as well cause i feel like i never see him. The only peace I have is that she will have to answer to God and probably my mother in the end. When I arrived she was there crying incessantly like a long suffering wife. We offered to meet as a family. my dad went to her house, picked up ALL his belongings and is now living with me and my husband in OUR home together. left and never turned back, he took her to Florida for a month when he got back never contacted me and when he sees me he ignores me and snuggles her or holds her hand , like he is rubbing my face in it, siblings say get over it and let him be happy, I just cant, I am so hurt and he has also made comments to me THAT i FEEL WERE IN APPROPRIATE she has the womans touch, and you dont know how i lived very hurtful things anyone else having issues like this, I totally understand both of you. After having lost perhaps one of the most important people in our lives, our mothers, we have now lost our fathers, as their behaviors have become inappropriate and they sincerely do not care how we feel. He casually dated my best friends mother from high school. This website is great. Its not my job to maintain her. Your dad did. Anyway my dad has been staying over at her house for probably over a year now. We just lost our mom , now we feel like we are losing him too! Out of my siblings, I was the only one physically involved in the day-to-day care of my mother, so their understanding is limited. I feel the woman lacks the very character by doing what she had done, even though dad and my sister feel she helps him, she makes him happy. Hi, Julie. Not only that the new person should be respectful of the loss, not try to impede and Reggie their way into the home, or any of the personal belongings of the parent that has passed, nor should they create such disgust in any of the children. so far from my realm of understanding or reference. Dad went thru surgery and treatment and is now cancer free. One time he called me bawling when he got off of work because he picked up the phone and thought "I should call my wife to let her know I'm coming home." she is like a dog marking her territory. It has completely altered my Dads relationship with is children. Thank you Julie for your post. Just thinking about this makes me feel sick. Thanksgiving is such a strong family time and you are still reeling from your loss. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. I live a block away from my parents house and never once has she been by to see me she has to pass my house to get to the highway. has met her in a neighboring town two times, and they have talked on the phone most days. P.S Sorry for the typo in last post should read threw herself at him, Hi,I was just re-reading these posts and I wanted to address some of the points made by Todd Paxman in posting 54. I wanted to be there for him and was worried how he would live after being married to Mom for over 50 years. I agree that we just feel the way we feel. I am sure you mamas and daddies loved each other VERY much and perhaps to you it was too soon. (My sisters name is Julie, too.) She got taken to the hospital and the doctors said it was a very bad cellulitis infection that was curable. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. For me I didnt like the idea of this woman but was prepared to accept her into my life. Ive never really been close with my father and this seems to be driving more of a wedge between us. Telling you You cannot win this is a mistake. I do love my mother and it hurts me and my sister when she says she would rather have dads buddies or the neightbors come to help her instead of having us over. He now expects me, his daughter to participate in holidays there. This is why is pains me to see my mother move on so soon 5 months later. She probably needs things done for her. He focuses his energy on what is right in front of him and never really considers how he is affecting anyone else. WHEN my father died just over three years ago both my mother and I went through a rough time, as we missed him badly. When your spouse is dying slowly, your grief process begins so much earlier then anyone around because you know where things will end and a part of you prays for it to end soon for her and for the selfish reason that caring for a dying spouse drains you in a way that you cant possibly imagine and I already watched a younger brother die from leukemia at the age of 23. November 11, 1998 dawned grey and cold. And another thing that I've found very important is to let her remember, and when her memories start making her sad, try - through how you speak to her and interact with her - to turn them into something to be treasured and happy for. The sooner the better. Add to this that she and my dad (who had been seeing each other) over the course of a couple of months and broke us, got back together, broke up, got back together. Is it even on his? She spoke with great detail about a moment when she was riding the subway with her dad and chose to keep her headphones in as he was trying to speak to her about his faith. She is helping us by taking care of him. We havent had time to really adjust to Mom being gone and this only adds to the already devastating heartache. Let me be clear- I am thrilled that my dad has a companion in his life- they have fun together and hes got a traveling companion. Her kids are great (were all in our 30s). But to do it by never seeing/visiting your only daughter and grandchild? Im so greatful to have found this website. (My mother used to make jokes about her-that she was ugly, an old maid, etc). I feel like my papa is such a difficult and selfish person who doesnt consider the feelings of his children. So now my dad takes it out on me. mom dies Anyways any advise??? Blaming your father or his girlfriend or anyone else who you feel has caused your sadness will not help you find happiness. My biggest concern was my mother. People grieve in different ways, but we all experience the pain, the hurt, the sad images that will haunt us probably for the rest of our lives, (it will get better ) the isolation, the depression, guilt, loss of direction, the anger, and the acceptance of what happened and the hope that things will be better in the future. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. She's like me because I never ask for help either. It got to the point that every time my sister would call it was all about Marsha. Obviously, I cannot advise you. And remind yourself of the ways that her connection with him was different than yours. This women across the street would come over often, and every time I was there just to be irritating to me because she knew we did not care for each other. What do you guys think? that September. They were none. I was speechless. So I concentrate on making myself and my son happy for right now. When my own father passed away in July 2018, after a seven year battle with multiple myeloma, a cancer of plasma cells, it shifted my notion of grief. Anyhow, they are still up and they are still awkward. From this I feel like I have been able to step back and gain some insight, and this insight has brought me some healing and clarity. I have met her once and she is a nice lady, but shes not my mom. While guilt and regret can fester, Ive found that sadness be a safe place to go to when you want to tap into memories and feelings, instead. He just doesnt get it.. She is a nasty unkind person with no friends except my father and family relationships where she keeps falling out with people.