For example, is a manicured lawn more important than a clean kitchen? Get Free Advice Immediately. H, 4.5 years! Everytime when I got home, house & kids is dirty, dishes is unwashed from morning, My DH cooks dinner but cook with no heart at all so I dont eat dinner usually. Advertise on The Marriage Counseling Blog, The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory. I believe you have already talked to your boyfriend many times how you feel and what you expect from him. So to all who are supporting their better halves I take my hat off to you as I know what you are going thru. I am so sad . He wondered when it was going to be his turn to be supported but acknowledged I had done my fair share financially ( including spending some of my inheritance to improve our home and pay off part of mortgage). His work dismissed him despite a doctors note. It is tough to be unemployed, but it is equally tough to be the partner watching and supporting the unemployed person. I have read all of your comments and I can relate to most of them. I live with my family, my daddy is a millionaire and my boyfriend is a little bit poor. Id just end up alone (basically the current situation), paying alimony (basically the current situation), and paying for all of our daughters expenses (the current situation). Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. You have to face up to the fact this guy set you up to be the heavy lifter while he does as he pleases. I am tired. Carolyn Hax: Husband is a good dad, not a great stay-at-home parent He has been depressed because he was away from his kids and feels less of a man. Well I am not going to stand by and meditate why? After I got home that night she still needed to have a shower, and there was no outfit anywhere to be found, I feel like Im going crazy overthinking what she says and questioning whether I can fully trust that she DOES want a job. Tough :(. Their first child was born 1 year later, during whose babyhood my sister must went through periods of not having enough money in the household. My husband has been unemployed for 18 months and the emotional Rollercoaster of his near miss job hunting has been so hard. Not saying give them a hand out but Im sure a hand up would be greatly appreciated. My salary will barely cover expenses. He said hes always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. This is what happened when my husband wouldn't do the dishes Joblessness can leave an individualand a couplefeeling overpowered, weak, unnerved. You cant work with dead beats who history is unemployment and living off the girl friend and then demanding sex? I wish I had been as mature as you at that age. The only thing holding me back is my daughter and his relationship and WTF WOULD HE GO?! To all who have wrote or read. I saw the loving compliments he said to her and the way he tore me down in comparison to her in his msgs to her. If he needs something, tell him youll buy it for him but dont keep giving him spending cash while he refuses to contribute at all. My work is suffering because Imeexhausted and irritable, and Im struggling to get up each day and go to work. He has hurt our son. He was trying to find something the first couple of years. But now its back to coming home with him saying he didnt get stuff done because he was too tired and passed out. I have to work to support us. Ps my partner is also a drinker and has a problem. He has damaged a lot of my belongings over the years. He doesnt want me to go for another promotion. He doesnt live off of my 80 a week or more working adult funds. Its the first time I started to wonder if hes unable to stay employed. Really guys, really! He also refused to claim benefits for fear this will affect his credit rating. During this time his worked full time twice, both jobs last just one year each, and he left both jobs of his own accord. I have been in the same leaky boat for the last 16 (long and painful) months. i have tried to leave my husband so many times, i even filed for divorce, but i came back to this situation, to try again, start over with hopes that things will get better. Julia Fox, Paris Hilton, and More of the Bestest Party Pics This Week. Ive told myself this for 2 years and I dont know if I can keep doing it anymore. Take a look at the following short lists of self-care ideas that honor these other parts of who you are. He was always a good provider and I didnt make as much as him until my current career, where I kind of zoomed ahead and my job became the career with potential. Decided to go back to school since spouse had a good job and agreed. ", Or as the researcher puts it: "There is an inequality of emotions here where wives' feelings matter less.". Now all it takes is me walking through the door at the end of a long hard day to the sight of him playing games of the dishes not yet done to set me off like a screaming banshee. To start with I have never really seen him work hard before but hes had reasons. I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. Losing a home we had created, my marriage, my closest friend, his family, and an idyllic lifestyle because I had been too pigheaded to work at a certain type of job led to a massive depression. I asked him to move out but he says he doesnt have to leave because hes on the lease and brags that legally I cant throw him out. He has been on interviews, but has received no job offers. There is a difference between a spouse and a lazy ass. A few months ago he stop con tributing (my guess is he exhausted his savings). The Ultimate Guide To Learning To Share Housework Equally - mindbodygreen Talk about your household financial situation; set a realistic budget based on your income and any savings you may have. Why My Husband Comes From Work And Does Nothing - Sufili He stays up all night when hes not working the next day keeping me up. called police 14 times plus moved again, only to have one last guy that was the strongest of them all. I envisioned life so differently by my age. Most of the time neither of us wants to do tedious things, and those conversations arent exactly fun, but usually we can come to some sort of agreement. I have health problems which make full time work, and also training afterwards, very hard. One night I went out with some girlfriends and came home late, he had been drinking and beat me up when I got home. To proud to put food on the table by working at Burger King or Walmart (or be with a partner who does) because the economy is in the hole and thats all there is available currently? unemployed husband won't do housework. Me and my brother are currently not speaking because he insists on mooching off of my parents/other people instead of earning an income of his own. She resfused to take a fulltime job as she went to university to get a law degree! The person questioned whether I knew how far I would driving when I took the job. OMG, this society and this generation is f****d up! But it is hard to admit you have been wrong about someone you had such loving feelings for. I cant imagine terminating a pregnancy and/or leaving him but I am so lonely and confused. In the beginning he failed to tell me he lost his job to cover up spending time with another women (I had proof but he wouldnt admitt to it). Lesson use meditation and mindfulness to value your partner and get back to some employment and love yourself for that small step. Its good to find a blog on partners of the unemployed. Stop abusing the people around you. I graduated in May 2014 and we started dating shortly after. He will not own his failure, learn from it and move on. Here are a few practical suggestions: 1. Youre just starting out good and you alright have a bum trying to weigh you down with his problems. My boyfriend who I have lived with for 4 years decided after he was fired from his last job that he was just going to give up. My point isif a man is out of work and continues to be, for whatever reason, he SHOULD be playing the part of homemaker, caretaker in that time period. Other friend or people we mix with dont know about the situation and therefore dont say anything and I just keep quiet, its easier that way. I am unhappy, exhausted, sad, failingI have run out of ideas. Im here all the time. So we are paying close to $800 a month for health insurance and I am earning around $35,000 a year. Dad does yardwork and housework, ferries the four kids and still makes his spouse laugh, so what is bothering her? Keep engaging, though.. Ive been insulted and times he tells me that if I would have listened to him on specific ideas we would not be where we are. He swears he's bad at it, I do it better, he doesn't know how excuses, excuses. I lost my job & my husband doesnt want to support my financial during my difficult time, Ive been looking for a job every single day but nothing so far!! If you feel like you are in crisis, and are located in the US, there are several nationwide services, hotlines, and clinics that can offer support specific to your situation. Can you please respond to me.I need to be in contact with someone going through this as well..I feel so lost and lonely. I have all the workload and absolutely no down time, when I am not dealing with difficult situations at work, I get to come home and deal with his unreasonableness. Also, he makes a good salary. He going to college now for his ba. I havent been able to find or create a group therapy regarding this. Dont just give up on a good relationship it seems your BF doesnt want to lose you. Hi Luzy, how is your situation going? Havent been intimate in months and only go 2 days max without a big fight. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I try my best not to let them out to her, but they are there. I really don't want to be a nag about this, but resentment is beginning to build. Youre sitting at home anyways. During 17 years marriage, my sisters huband, at the most, clocked about 6-months worth of employments. Apparently she lives with her parents, so they have to hang out in motels and hotels. Oh my gosh I think I am Ms. Y. Hes been in and out of jobs since weve been together and his longest was 3 months part time. Its what I did and I make a decent salary (the only thing keeping us afloat right now). Seeing someone like this can also be depressing for others. I just wish I had my faith that things would get better, but I think I lost that a couple years ago. Dear all: If only I found this site 18 years ago. I had never had that happen before, so of course I took him back. do you honestly love him and see spending your life with him? He cant even collect unemployment because due the the disability, he had no taxable income the year before. Did this man ever mature mentally and emotionally beyond the age of 18 to 20? I am SICK of being there for him financially and mentally while getting little in return. IM TIRED!!!! Some people think that to get these figures on unemployment, the government uses the number of people collecting unemployment insurance (UI) benefits under state or federal government programs. When a womans fed up thats it. Had he simply lasted 90 days I would have made $600 as a recruitment bonus, but Oh well. It was rare for him to have a job at any point throughout his working life where he lasted like say 5-10 years before being fired/having the business close. I've heard this argument a lot, from the husband's side; "my wife doesn't cook or clean!" From the wife's side; "I shouldn't be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning!" This is a hotly debated topic, but one thing I do know - when one spouse isn't pulling their weight, the marriage is likely My Wife Doesn't Cook or Clean! Thankfully he manages to find something to complain about constantly. In other words, your husband cant read your mind. When he was working he paid his share but spent his left over money on who knows what (probably strippers although I dont have proof). He ended up missing a flight and ended up back home in two weeks with nothing but a backpack and nowhere to go but back to his parents. He does yard work and hes not a stranger to cooking a meal or doing laundry. I have been with my BF for the 7 years. This study extends research by examining how the effects of unemployment vary with gender, specific tasks, and over time. Hes perfectly capable of working, and regardless of his reasons (depression, laziness, etc) I cannot continue to carry the burden alone while he sleeps in all day, stays all night and barely lifts a finger to help with any chores. All he want to do is get drunk and do music. unemployed husband won't do housework - circularity.business My mom tell me now that he have tp hear lots of rubbish things from dad because of me because i am not having a job. I get replys like oh your so dramatic, f. You. My husband got sick- turned out to be appendicitis, but it took the docs a year to figure it out. 1. Im tired of him bigging up every small thing he does, and quietly letting me carry the weight so many times and not even acknowledging me. Why he was so angry and resentful about it is beyond me. He has made many mistakes in the past, distant and more recently, but has made considerable effort to clean up his act in those aspects of his life, except for where I am concerned. Thanks for listening. I am so exhausted with my relentless pace of work I am ready to quit for health reasons, but who will pay the bills? There is no way I can retire and maintain her health coverage and lifestyle. Nagging creates more marital problems. At this juncture, I need financial support from him, but would probably find my endurance to be much better if coupled with emotional support. I really want to leave him at times but when I try; he begs- he acts suicidal- he will make me feel horrible because he tells me no one can ever love you the way I do. I guess misery loves company, because although I feel for all of you, Im also glad to know Im not alone. Immediately before the wedding, he got fired from his stupid measly job. She doesn't . . Im a nurse lpn and make just enough to cover our bills alone but that means Nothing extra! Does money play into it at all? He seems hopeful but as hes on edge as hes waiting to for news about the training. My husband has been essentially out of work for 5 years. at this age I dont know another way out without violence which results in tickets and jail for the male. Or I work a ton of overtime & exhausted.he talks about how big my paycheck will be.and doesnt seem to understand my stress. You sound like you have done more rhan enough for years ..please find the strength and courage to leave him. I forgot so confused right now. My family and friends clearly think so and it is depressing having to defend what Im now doubting myself. He Needs to grow up He has money for another 2 mortgage payments and I have saved up for about 1 mortgage. Never money do anything special. Wow! Hes managed to stretch my salary and the last of our savings out until the end of this year. I changed tactic, went all peaceful and worked on a solution I could do alone. You have two choices. He doesnt have any close friends that I could ask to talk to him about this so that makes it difficult too. Its hard enough paying for even just myslelf. He does nothing to find year round employment or even find employment during the time that he is laid off from his job at the educational institution where he works as part of the kitchen staff. So naturally, they not only want to prevent that from happening, they want to send your partner away feeling less than and thinking that something must be lacking within themselves to make them not good enough to even be offered the position that they (your partner) thought (and was probably correct) that they would be perfect for. I was the breadwinner since husband hasnt held down a job in the 4 years we have been together. I try to convince myself things will be ok but I have been waiting and neglecting the type of happiness I believe myself and our son deserves. Hi This is the worse realtionship Ive ever been in! He keeps leaving the front door unlocked. Esp now we are expecting that makes it 10 times more hard.. Its just not us to worry about its the baby too.. This was the job women had. Do You Trust Your Spouses Ability to Make Good Decisions? Been married 20+ years and he has worked for about 6 months out of all that time. He doesnt even have a drivers license, Im usually the chauffeur for everything. He refuses to work, has bankrupted Me twice and has consumed so much money from my elderly parents that they are nearly starving. Its been hard especially when my unemployed partner complains all the time about his woes and worries. I feel and think that I have been very patient. If it is a new habit, it will take some time and a little work for it to feel natural, she said. I got so angry. Hes buying beer with YOUR hard-earned money and sitting on the damn couch all day? I worked 2 and 3 jobs our whole marriage and the bills are getting harder to pay. I work full time, but I cant cover all the bills, so Im struggling to cover what I can. I make him unhappy, he dont like what Im doing Or how Im doing it. However as I reflect back to most of last year when I wasnt working and staying home with our toddler child, it really made me upset that he did not step up to the plate and gained some sort of employment. because then hell think I dont NEED his money for rent and wont give me it. Married 17 years have 1 child in High School. I know exactly how u feel..sounds like me talking..funny how when we read someone elses words we see the situation clearly like theres a simple solution but very different when its you in the situation..i think there comes a time when they either shape up or u ship out..everyone has their limits! No one. He played away his time on a severance package instead of looking for work or retraining, for a year. I just wish I had enough courage to leave him. He can also just volunteer to fill these gaps in employment history. Mickarther, thanks for your comment it can only get better and somethings got to give, right? I helped him walk through the process of getting a city job (which he has now), and now feeling less guilty over what his family has provided me because I paid him back in effort and energy I decided I didnt want to deal with this the rest of my life. Things arent always as they appear. The unemployed partners above need to get over themselves and self pity and work at anything as well as studying again.